Dear C*****, I suspected you might be struggling this last bit, and I've been thinking of you.
I hope you won't mind if I share a bit here. I know you don't appreciate being told what to do, and I'm really not trying to do that. I just feel a need to share this with you... in case it might help in some way.
Keeping things inside for the benefit of others.... My mom has done the same thing all her life for us 5 kids. I've done the same for my kids through an unhappy marriage and divorce. The unspoken has gone something like this... 'I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I can handle this. I've faced a lot worse, so no, I don't need help, thanks.' And for the kids I've put on my strong Mommy front. And now, I often wonder if it was such a good thing. Now that I'm in a healthier space I think something has become clear. By doing this, (which was the only way I knew how to function) I may have in fact robbed other people of something important.
Although I think it's crucial to protect children's emotional well-being, and in times of turmoil it's important to maintain a sense of stability...at the same time I think that there were times when it would have benefited them to see me vulnerable. I don't want them growing up feeling like they have to hide their feelings (like I did), and that it's somehow wrong to show emotion. That's a large part of why I find myself as an adult who's spend the last 13 years on anti-depressants. Too much stuffing of emotions.
Now I want to live. Healthily. I'm weaning myself off the numbing drugs, and taking a good hard look at my past choices. I'm starting to think that the thing I've been robbing people of, in trying to be so strong, is the chance to connect in a real way to me. I've taken small steps with my kids... trying to let them see me in weak moments... being honest with them about how I'm feeling. To my amazement, it doesn't frighten them or add a burden. They feel connected, and try to help in small ways, and then carry on when things smooth out, contented that they could play a part in things.
The bigger challenge for me is to carry this intention out with others...family members, and people in general. It's so hard when I've spent the last 40 years in survival mode...trying to protect others (and myself) from things. Fear of intimacy has been huge. I need to do this though, or I'll find myself even more isolalated and unfullfilled. I want some of that 'authentic power' I've heard Gary Zukav talk about... And I don't want to take away the chance for others to learn and grow and feel connected to me. What I think I might be protecting others from, may at times be smething they really need.
I'm sharing all this with you at the risk that you'll see me as being preachy and telling you how to live your life. I might feel the same way. But I needed to share it nonetheless.
I can't imagine the space you must be in, and the void you must feel right now, but every fibre of my being is telling me that you will come out of this, and come out of it well. Healthier. I'm glad you have a lot of support along the way. As I continue to struggle along, I find courage in people like you who are willing to put things out there... to share. I'm still struggling with this whole blog thing, and have set most of my entries to 'private'. Doesn't that speak volumes! Maybe this format of writing letters/comments to people is the way to go for me. We'll see.
All my best thoughts,
Karen
Been down to 75 for about 3 weeks now. I feel great.
The past week I've taken a small step down in Effexor dose. From 150 to 112.5 (75 + 37.5). Not sure how long I'll wait to go down to 75mg, which is the only dose I can go down to (no other pill size). I haven't noticed any major changes, and remain on an even keel at the moment.
I get my toenail off this week.
That's it for the medical happenings of my life for now.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I've come to the conclusion that it's time to make some solid moves towards bettering myself. I think I've been an inactive participant in my own life for far too long. I have to meet this depression head on and fight for my life. Checking out is not an option, and I can't continue on the way I have. What other choice is there than to fight?
This whole quest to decrease/eliminate the Effexor, I think can be translated into a desire for me to reclaim my life. Whether or not this includes the drug has really lost a lot of it's original significance. I do want to lessen the side effects, but this might be able to be acheived by simply switching to something else. Then again, maybe not. My main concern is to start feeling good about my life.
Self-esteem. It's hit home in a big way lately, that 'herein lies the problem'. I really have to do some major work on my feelings of self-worth, and getting rid of some of my self-destructive ways. Where to start? I mentioned in the last post that I needed to get moving. That's definintely going to remain at the top of the list. I've been doing some walking, and generally tried to keep more active around the house lately - getting some spring cleaning done etc - , and I think it's agreeing with me. It's hard to get going, but once I do it feels good.
================================================================================
Ok... things are looking a little brighter. Other than feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster, I think I've got a handle on things. I so hate it when the dark clouds roll in like that. I do think it's time to look for a replacement for this inEffexor though. I'll talk to my doctor about it next week.
Even though I'm pretty sure the sky is not falling (this week), I'm still thinking pretty heavily about ways to raise my feelings of self-worth. I think this is a pretty big issue for me, and contributes to my downward spirals. One thing I know would help is exercise. Even walking. I'm going to have to force myself though. I hate exercise. I've been lucky enough to not need it to control my weight so far in life, so it's not something I'm in the habit of doing. I mean, not to say that chasing after my kidlets for the past decade or so hasn't burned a few calories - but it's not the kind of exercise that raises your seratonin levels. Unfortunately.
Anyway, I think exercise is a good place to start. I have to be careful not to start making long lists of things I need to to do in order to feel better...otherwise I'm likely to get overwhelmed and not want to take anything on. I'm such a list maker by nature. So. Baby steps. Exercise. As in: Today I will go for a brisk walk. Tomorrow? I'll think about that then.
As the title suggests, I'm having second thoughts. I'm thinking twice about going off the effexor. The reason? My mood and level of functioning lately has been on a downward slide without being on a decreased dose, and I think I have to be realistic here. I'm thinking that I may be in a phase of 'prozac poop-out' or maybe that should be 'effexor ineffectiveness'. Whatever. Maybe I need to change types....I've done that before from Zoloft to Effexor in 2000, and maybe the nasty sideeffects will disappear with it. Maybe I will be less numb on something else. I am so tired of feeling this way. There is no joy. No focus. No satisfaction in anything. Something has to happen.
Note to self...read this
I am so nervous about this it's insane. I haven't started reducing my dose yet, but my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I have to somehow turn my attitude around or it just might be my downfall. I have to keep in mind all the things I hate about being on this drug, and keep a positive focus. But what keeps coming back to mind is little glimpses of how quickly I slipped into that dreaded black hole in my previous attempts. I keep asking myself if this is a wise thing to be doing.
I also am starting to see how closely this is going to be tied into 'Goal #2' - telling my Dad that he should be looking for a place of his own. Dad has been staying here for a year now, camping out in our RV, and has made himself pretty darned comfortable. He moved in when his place sold last year, and it was understood that it would be a temporary stay until he found a new place. I say we moved him in, because he wasn't able to do it himself being in rehab. He's an alcoholic. The type of alcoholic that drinks for a few months straight, until he can barely function, then sobers up anywhere from a few weeks to a few months at time.
When Dad's sober, I love him - he's a wonderful man... he helps out around the yard (a time-consuming job that often gets neglected in our busy life)... he's got a great sense of humour... he's just....my dear dad whom I love so so much.
When he's drinking? I hate him. He turns into a sickening fool, who just fills me with loathing. Such has it been my whole life. At least now he's not violent. I saw way too much as a child, felt way too much fear. And when he's drinking he keeps to himself for the most part, as he knows I won't tolerate my kids seeing him like that. Only this last time he crossed the line. He came into the house a few times, and one time really unsettled my daugher with his stumbling about and slurring....teasing my son about something. Then, when he sensed my disapproval (I didn't say anything, just gave him the cold shoulder (I'm such a COWARD sometimes!) he disappeared for 4 days. I was pretty worried, as he doesn't normally go anywhere, and kicked myself for not taking away his keys away like I did when he was in this state at Christmas.
Point is, he showed up eventually, and when that happened, the adrenaline I had been running on plummeted, and I felt physically il . The stress caught up with me. The thing about being on this drug, is that I'm emotionally numb a lot of the time. But when periods of stress come along, I think I'm handling things ok, but there's a price that's paid somehow. Either physically, or disappearing into a fog where I feel both irritable and despondent at the same time. Then I seem to bounce back. The fog however is nothing compared to the black hole of depression, which is what my biggest fear is in doing this.
And my kids...can I afford taking this chance when I have little people depending on me? I mean, they're part of the reason I DO want to be off it.... so I can be more 'there' for them emotionally. But if it backfires... I just don't know. I have a very supportive husband... but I don't want to burden him.
A lot of uncertainties. But that's life I guess isn't it? Ultimately, I'm making this choice because I'm hoping in the long run it will benefit everyone. If it turns out that I can't function without an antidepressant, just as a diabetic can't function without insulin (my doctor's favorite analogy)... then I'll return to it. Sounds simple enough.
Goal #1:
1.Decrease my dose of Effexor to the point of hopefully being off it by the end of the summer.
This is a pretty major goal. It sounds easy on paper (or monitor), but if I pull this off successfully, it will be a major feat. I spoke to my Doctor about it, and his general attitude was that he would support me trying to do this, but beleived that I had the type of depression that was best dealt with by medication. He said that generally, nothing else even comes close to the effectiveness of antidepressants in dealing with this type of depression (ie. long term, chronic depression, indicative of a chemical imbalance, rather than episodic depression, as a result of something bad that's happened in your life ecently). That was in answer to me asking about any herbal/alternative methods ie. St. John's Wort etc.
I've known my doctor for years and trust him implicitly, and really believe he knows his stuff.... I just need to try this. Maybe I'm an exception . As a general rule he said that I have a 50% chance of coming off and being ok. Flip a coin folks! Of course this will be in small downward increments.... a very slow tapering off, to reduce 'withdrawal symptoms'. Although it's not an addicting drug, there are definitely undesirable effects if you try to come off them too quickly. Don't I know it.
I've been on antidepressants since 1994, after the birth of my first child. It was a case of Post Partum Blues that was very intense and would not go away. I was put on Zoloft, which I stayed on for 6 years or so, and when that started to 'poop out' I was put on Effexor. Over the years I've tried to come off of both, unsuccessfully a number of times. Several times on my own... cold turkey, and a few times by tapering. No luck. The symptoms came back full force leaviing me good for nothing.... in terrible emotional pain.
I try to recall that acute pain at this point, and as usual, it's very hard to remember what it feels like. That's the frustrating part of being on these meds.... the numbing of feeling. Ironically, if I could remember what it felt like, I probably wouldn't even consider taking myself off of them. But that numbing carries over into so much of my life, leaving me feelling like a zombie most of the time. The only emotion that I can seem to feel the full effects of is anger/irritability. Not that I feel this way all the time, but if there's an emotion to be felt on any given day, that will most likely be it. I hate it. I just want to be able to feel. To cry. To get rid of this horrible feeling of dull apathy. To live! That's what it is, I feel like I'm watching someone else live my life - I'm detached from everything, wishing I could summon up the energy to protest... feeling a vague feeling of 'Wake up! This is you! This is your life passing you by!' I feel imprisoned.
So. What makes me think that this attempt will be different? I don't, I'm just hoping against hope. I know I just can't continue on like this without trying again... the time just feels right. Spring is here, and with it a bit of hope creeps in I guess. I want to be a better mother to my kids.... I have 4 of them (and a teenage step-daughter)... I want to be a better partner....friend.... a better me. The real me, without this rigid mask.
I have about 10 more days worth of my regular dose (150mg) and from there I'll begin the descent. If anyone reads this far, please say a prayer for me.
One of my fears of blogging is that I'll come across as someone looking for attention, or sympathy... or that I'm whining...that is so distasteful to me. How to avoid that, yet say what I need to say?? Good question. I think I'll basically have to just say what the f**k and get on with it....
I have a few challenging goals I'd like to keep track of here..... This is the list:
- Decrease my dose of Effexor to the point of hopefully being off it by the end of the summer.
- Tell my Dad that he's no longer welcome to live with us.
- Get to the bottom of my daughter's stomach troubles.
- Improve relations with sister #2
- Improve my attitude towards 15 y.o. step-daughter.
- Be a more 'emotionally available' mother
- Not feel like I want to kill my ex-husband on a regular basis.
- Quit smoking and generally take better care of myself...LOVE myself even?
- Be a better friend
- Figure out how to have fun.
No, these aren't quickly or easily attainable goals, but they're goals, and I believe that writing them down is the first step to acheiving them.... where to begin....
